


me without you

by Megonagal



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, F/F, Femslash February, Fluff and Angst, Kisses, Uther being a dick, dumb jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 11:26:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17682560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megonagal/pseuds/Megonagal
Summary: morgana had always been in love with gwen, maybe that’s why she had been so scared to contact her during her days at the Hovel. because gwen would bring her home.





	me without you

Morgana wasn't a party girl.

She’d always found the whole thing senseless. A bunch of drunk losers and pervs who didn't really know to dance trying to be cool and pretend they were interesting. When she’d catch Arthur sneaking out to Gwaine’s ridiculous gatherings she’d always tease him, ask him how many girls would actually remember his name and how many had screamed it. It was only after Uther had told her that partying wasn't meant for girls that she joined Arthur on a night out. 

The first night she stayed with the people she knew. She danced and laughed with Leon, played beer pong against Arthur and Merlin and then proceeded to throw up in the bathroom and stain the tiles. The second night came after a bad day. She’d messed up on Chemistry, ending with a B+ after a whole rollercoaster of a year of trying to get by and Uther had lost his mind. After having a vase flung at her she’d slipped out the window by herself, texted Mithian and told her to take her to whatever summer party was being held. Mithian had taken her to the beach where 90% of the incoming junior class was dancing half-naked and mildly high. Morgana has spent the night dancing with her friends and making new ones by the bonfire. When it got to spin the bottle and Sefa placed her pretty pink mouth against hers, Morgana felt her world change forever. She’d gone home that night feeling like the stars had aligned in different patterns and the whole world had shifted along with it. 

She enjoyed having a secret. Sly glances at the girls when they changed for fencing, the way she shot them layered grins that could mean a multitude of things,and getting drunk so she could try kissing them again. To everyone else, it was just her being her usual unhinged taboo self.

“Are you dating someone?’ Gwen asked, crouched on Morgana’s window sill at 1:00 am in the morning. 

“Whatever made you come to that conclusion?” Morgana laughed, painting her lips scarlet by her Vanity mirror. 

“Well,” Gwen huffed jumping into Morgana’s room, dusting off the dirt on her jeans. “You've gone to parties almost every night since the summer even though you hate them, you are avoiding your usual social circle, you talk to yourself in the hallway, and you don't go to work anymore.”

“Avoiding people and indulging in risky behavior are traits of a depressed person not someone in love.”

“Same difference”

“I thought you were the romantic?”

“I prefer the term optimistic realist.” Gwen shrugged.

Morgana laughed.”I’ve been trying new things, that’s all” she smiled, straightening her black frilly bustier dress.

“Drugs?”

“Nope.”

“Alcohol?”

“Always.”

“Sex?”

“Not yet.”

Gwen pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. If there was an award for best mum friend Gwen would win. She always worried. She worried when Arthur injured himself at footie even though he always did. She worried when Merlin burned himself during his Chemistry experiments even though he always did. She worried about Gwaine because Gwaine always did something worrisome but most of all she worried about Morgana.

There was once a time where this irritated Morgana, now she can’t imagine a time where it wasn't endearing. The way her nose scrunched and her eyebrows furrowed and her lips twisted into a strange yet adorable contorted shape.

Morgana simply laughed, getting on her knees in front of Gwen and cupped her face in her hands.“I’m doing just fine pet. Don’t worry. I promise I will be safe.” 

Gwen didn't look convinced but nodded reluctantly. Morgana got up to leave, giving Gwen a pat on the head before. 

“Just don’t forget me, okay?’ She called out as Morgana began to climb out the window. 

“How could I ever forget you Mother Hen?” Morgana laughed, the moon glistening against her pale painted face as she snuck out into the night. 

 

And she didn't forget, or maybe she did she could never truly admit it to herself. But that night when her father had walked in on Nimueh ‘Nimmy’ Hendrix giving her head her life was never the same. It started with him grabbing Nimmy’s hair and throwing her away from Morgana. In rage Morgana had thrown the once romantic candles at him and whilst he screamed in pain and declared her disowned she grabbed her things and ran out of the house with Nimmy by her side. 

They’d headed to Nim’s brother’s club, The Hovel, where they set up bedspreads on the basement floor and then burst into tears. Morgana would never admit it,but it was the first time she realized that no matter how much she hated her father she wanted a family.  
She wanted love. 

“You have me Mo. You don’t need those assholes. You have me. I’ll love you.” Nim whispered holding Morgana against her chest. 

But they weren't assholes. Arthur had found her at school the next day and in classic Arthur, fashion over-reacted and held a ‘meeting’ at the Round table. Within minutes Morgana was dragged against her will to an intervention hosted by her idiot step-brother with guests including Gwen, Merlin, and Gwaine. 

“You can live in my old treehouse!” 15-year-old Arthur declared, grinning and slamming his palms against the plastic round lunch table as if he had solved all his problems.

“Gee, thanks Arthur I’ve always wanted to live in a house made of decaying wormwood.” Morgana retorted.

“You could stay with me? Gaius doesn't mind he’d gladly give you the guestroom. Plus he’s already your guardian according to all the data in the school’s reports so it won’t cause any problems.” Merlin chimed in.  
Sweet Merlin, kind Merlin. Merlin who sees the best in everyone and was so gay she couldn't believe she was the first one to come out.  
Gwen didn't have to say anything, she just held Morgana’s and leaned against her shoulder in quiet comfort. But Morgana could see in her chocolate brown eyes what she was really thinking.

Why didn’t you tell me?

And to that Morgana didn’t know the answer. Maybe so that things wouldn’t change, or the fear that she would make Gwen uncomfortable. But Morgana couldn’t bring herself to explain so she just leaned against Gwen’s head and tried not to think about it.

“Whatever you need, you’ve got it, Morgana. Just say the word.” Gwaine said. 

What did Morgana need? She’d never been able to answer that question and she never got to because Nim crashed their board meeting and dragged Morgana out claiming that she would take care of Morgana and that Morgana didn't need them because they didn't understand. 

Living with Nim for over 2 years now Morgana often thinks about what she needs. With Nim, she got everything she thought she wanted. They had a lot of sex, more than Morgana wanted if she was being honest but who’s going to say no to more kisses. They drank themselves silly at night and in the day they ditched school. Well Nim did, Morgana didn't and that made Nim mad. Nim was always mad, it was like dating Uther but less homophobic, racist, and creepy. She never let Morgana hang out with the others.

“Trust me darling they’ve forgotten you. They don’t care about us, we’re different. They don’t care about you anymore baby, no matter how lovely you think they are they aren't.” 

But Nim was wrong. Despite never being able to see each other that often Merlin always snuck care packages into her gym locker, full of her favorite sweets and a lot of the essentials. Her fencing contests were always paid for and ‘Uther’ magically managed to sign her permission slips for out of state contests. Merlin was the only one she could actually see because they had bio together. He’d tell her about how Uther had gone mad with fury but still went to her room at night to see her. He told her how Arthur decided he wanted to be a social worker but was too scared to tell Uther. He told her how Arthur cut his hair and got a tattoo on his 17th to spite his dad. Merlin talked about Arthur so much that Morgana gave up and threw him in the janitors closet and told him to come out or she’d never let him out. 

And then there was Gwen. Morgana caught sight of her on occasion in the hallway. She once followed her to find out all the places she went and what classes she had just to keep tabs on her. Gwen had gotten herself a boyfriend, Lance. Lance was the president of PAWS which was a club that let you work at animal shelters. Lance also had his locker keyed with death threats the day Morgana confirmed they were dating. Gwen always glanced at her in the hallway. Gwen always put extra candy, perfume, letters, and stationary in the care packages. Merlin never said but Morgana knew it was her. Gwen always squeezed Morgana’s hand in the hallways if it was really crowded to make sure she was okay. Gwen reminded Morgana of what she needed every day. 

 

It took her a year, but she finally did it. On the first day of senior year, Morgana pulled Nim aside after they got out of her Camry and told her they were done. She’d been prepared for Nim to scream, cry, something anything. But not this. Suddenly Morgana found herself on the floor of the graveled parking lot with a combat boot pressed on her head. Suddenly there were more feet kicking at her and Morgana just lay there and took it. She cried and covered her head and let them kick her until it stopped and she heard audible gasps and Nim scream and the sound of Doc Martens and Converse shoes retreating. She turned onto her back, moved her hands from her face and opened her eyes and there stood Gwen. She had smudged lipstick and a look of fury on her face. Arthur and Gwaine stood next to her in awe. 

“Well, she took that well.” Morgana laughed.

“If by well you mean awfully then yes it went splendid,” Gwaine replied, running a hand through his hair.

“What happened?” Arthur asked, still shell shocked from whatever the fuck just happened.

“A little lover’s spat darling. I’m sure you and Merlin have your fair share.” Morgana chuckled, dusting off her jeans. Arthur's ears went pink and Morgana would have smiled had she not noticed Gwen’s face.

Concern painted her beautiful weary mocha skin. Her eyes were mixed with fury and confusion but she remained silent. 

“Gwaine , Arthur get to class. I’m taking Morgana to the nurse’s office.” Gwen said quietly. Arthur and Gwaine glanced to and from the girls before scurrying off. Arthur who had Physics with Morgana first period took her things with him as he walked away, squeezing her shoulder before he let her be. 

Gwen took Morgana’s hand and led her through the empty hallways. When Morgana hed Nim’s hand it felt like shackles dragging her every which way with the promise that something good was to come. Gwen could take her to the end’s of the world and Morgana would be content simply cause she’s with her. It had been so long. So long since she had watched Gwen laugh, here her sing songs to help her through nightmares or hug her. Gwen gave the best hugs. Hugs that transferred all the warmth and love she had within in into whomever she embraced. Nim’s hugs felt like a soft cage, a threat to not move away. 

Morgana had always been in love with Gwen, maybe that’s why she had been so scared to contact her during her days at the Hovel. Because Gwen would bring her home.  
Gwen pushed the nurses' door open and rang the bell twice. When there was no response she huffed, jumped over the desk and began ruffling through the drawers.

“I’ve been with you for less than 10 minutes now and your already breaking rules.” Morgana chuckled.

“What can I say, I’m can’t help falling for your charms,” Gwen mumbled, finally finding the key to the first aid box.

“Sit down.’ she ordered, patting the examination table. 

“Whatever you say Doc,” Morgana smirked, hopping onto the examination table. She winced in pain as she placed pressure on her leg.

“Not so tough now eh?” Gwen mumbled, unraveling the bandage roll.

“I’ve never been tough, you of all people should know this.”

Gwen was quiet again as she worked, cleaning up Morgana’s bruises and cuts and wrapping them up. Morgana watched her closely, taking in the view. It should have felt wrong, considering she’d just went through a breakup but it didn't. It filled her with this long forgotten ache in her chest. The ache is what lead her to Nim, because she believed Nim was the only one who would ever care for her. But over time she realized Nim was no different from Uther. She saw Morgana as this prized possession that she had captured. 

Gwen never did that. She loved and cared without expecting anything but care in return. Gwen treated Morgana like an equal and sometimes as someone greater than her that should be cherished not contained. Gwen was the only one who could ever love Morgana and Morgana craved nothing but that warmth. 

“What will you do now?” Gwen asked softly, running a hand over Morgana’s arm, squeezing lightly.

“I might take up that treehouse offer from Arthur, or maybe live with Gaius and Merlin.”Morgana shrugged.

Gwen bit her lip slightly, pushing back the loose hairs that covered Morgana’s face. 

“Come with me. Stay with me, Morgana.” Gwen whispered. 

Morgana looked into Gwen’s eyes. Honey colored orbs dark with worry, desire, longing Longing for something, maybe, hopefully, Morgana. 

Morgana leaned in lightly so that they were now breathing in each other’s air and scent. Gwen smelled like lavender and peach powder. She probably tasted like strawberry lip balm and morning coffee. 

“Why should I? Morgana asked tauntingly.

And with that Gwen kissed her. Morgana responded willingly with the same desperation and passion. This was love. This pure, true, unhindered desire for not just someone but only one, one person.

“Cause I love you. If that wasn't obvious.” Gwen laughed, breaking the kiss.

“Well, the answer is yes, if it wasn't obvious.” Morgana breathed out, touching her nose to Gwen’s lightly.

And with that, Morgana was home.


End file.
